Welcome to LoudounTimes.com
Loudoun Times-Mirror
Suspicious Minds
I was behind three people at a betting window at Charles Town Races and like the horse I bet on in the last race, I was going nowhere. I don’t know what the hold-up was, but with only a precious few minutes to post time I muttered what I usually do in slow-moving lines: “What’s this guy doing, applying for a job?” The man directly in front of me turned around and replied, “I always pick the wrong line. People see me and do everything they can to make me wait. I bet he’s trying to pay with a personal check.”

What a comic relief it was to know I wasn’t alone. Assuming the world’s against me is how I make sense of frustrating situations. [That doesn’t actually make sense, but you think that because you’re all against me] For the past few months I’ve kept track of events that caused harmless, stop-looking-at-me-like-that paranoid thoughts. Below are the results, not including each time that had the same theme: waiting. If that trigger was any bigger, Roy Rogers would ride it [under fifty? Google it].

• Movie theater: “Hi, I’d like the noisiest, lip-smacking food you sell, in a large, because I’m going to sit next to Jean.”

• ABC store, gym, and McD’s: "To everyone Jean would not want to see here: flash mob!”

• Traffic signal: “LOL i m gonna keep texting so i miss this lite bc Jean is behind me and in a hurry she is dum”

• Customer service: “To expedite this call, please say or press your 15 digit account number; say or press your zip code; say or press your 10-digit telephone number; say or press your luck because in no way is this expediting.” Note: At this point an actual person comes on the line and asks for the exact same information.

• Backyard: “Get all the gnats together for a good old fashioned swarming because Jean is making a rare appearance.”

• Perennials: “It’s been about three days since Jean planted us -- time to go to that big garden in the sky, fellas.”

• Fast food: “Chocolate shake? That machine broke when you walked in because it was going to really hit the spot.”

• Summer Concert: “I’m going to wait until five minutes before the performance and squeeze a high-backed lawn chair in front of Jean. For the sake of completeness, I’ll clap my hands over my head without regard for her view, my dignity, or the song’s rhythm.”

• Shorts: “The hanger said medium but I’m actually a small because Jean was too lazy to try me on in the store. Enjoy the drive back, sucker.”

• GPS: “Because Jean’s too cheap to update me, I’m going to make her take Route 7 everywhere she goes.”

• Target: “I have a dozen coupons (some expired), five shirts without price tags, and a credit card* that is buried somewhere in my massive purse because Jean is behind me.” *Variation: “Wait, I have exact change. It's in my change purse ... oh, that's where my camera went! ... here it is, no, that's my makeup bag ... I found a nickel, does that help?"

• Public restroom sink: “Motion sensor -- switch to inoperably, frustratingly sensitive and watch the fun begin as Jean waves her hands like she’s hand jiving.”

• Crowded restaurant, from the gang of eight at the next table to the only server: “Before we ask you to repeat that long list of specials, we'd like to order drinks with ridiculous specifications because we're those kind of people. I'll start with a Lemon Drop Martini with Absolut and sweet and sour mix, NOT lemon juice, and an organic mint leaf."

Hilarious!!  Sounds like an oddly eventful summer (gambling, drinking and eating!).

The Loudoun Times-Mirror

is an interactive, digital replica
of the printed newspaper.
Click here for all e-editions.