Not in front of our guests.
pic from mtv.com
Printer-Friendly
Email this Story
Post a Comment (1)
Satan, MTV and Britney Spears: The New Axis Of Evil
You know how each cigarette supposedly shaves 14 seconds off your life? Watching the VMAs the other night felt like holding an entire carton up to my mouth and lighting the other end with a blow torch.MTV has been out of the music video business for too long. After the endless hours of freakishly fit coeds drinking Red Hook, throwing right hooks, then hooking up, MTV honors those who they no longer cater.
MTV, I say, get rid of the VMAs and produce the ENAs (the End is Near Awards), and present awards for accomplishments like having a ridiculous amount of money and success for basically being a complete waste of my valuable breathing air. I'm sure one of the nominees would be the walking whipit, Heidi Montag, and her counterpart, Spencer "Invisibeard" Pratt. Will someone please tell me why Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are famous? I bet the Devil is looking to sell his soul to them for just a nugget of their fame. Watch out kids, those aren't purses, Heidi and Spence are peddling. They're bags for collecting souls.
Speaking of being famous for no reason, the show was hosted by Russell Brand. Is being British the new, rapping granny? British humor does not translate in the U.S. You can't simply insult everything and everyone in sight, and expect to be funny. When insults are delivered with a British accent, it just sounds pompous. For his performance, to be funny, he would have had to sip some tea, screamed because it was hot, stumbled across the stage, plunging his foot into a bucket of white paint and before falling into the orchestra pit, grab at Kim Kardashian's booty, ripping it off to reveal the Little Rascals inside, holding a meeting of The He-man Woman-Haters Club. Comedic genius.
Watch out Great Wall of China, you aren't the only thing visible from outer space anymore. Yes, that was an eyebrow joke. Russell Brand's face looks like Eugene Levy and fake Georgian Sasquatch had a love child. This just in, Russell Brand has been captured and preserved in a cooler filled with ice and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I'm writing a letter to the newspaper, including my theory that fake Georgian Sasquatch was probably some stupid kid wearing a Russell Brand costume. I know the yokels said that they found the carcass in the woods but it would be funny if they said that when they shot it, Sasquatch yelped, "ouch me bum!"
He starts the VMAs off with a plea to the American people to vote for Barack Obama. Voting for Obama is all well and good, but why open with a statement like that? The VMAs is not a forum for political activism. "Hi, I'm some English guy, Vote for Obama, and now here's Lil Wayne and Kid Rock!"
A perfect joke for this situation would be, "Russell Brand? Was, insert name of a famous nobody, not available?," but Brand is the ultimate nobody. You know why? Because I didn't know who he was. Out of all the Russell's in the world, Russell Crowe, Russell Peters, even Kurt Russell, MTV chose Russell Brand. MTV, if you love England so much, why don't you marry it?
On a pleasant note, I must say, "good for Britney". You know, she's had a tough year. Thanks to her remarkable "comeback", staged by MTV and Satan, I have a new favorite moment in history to help pick me up when I'm feeling down. For years, Rudy, the courageous story of Daniel "Rudy" Rudiger, an undersized walk-on at Notre Dame in the 1970s, motivated me to rise above adversity. Not any more. Britney's tale of an innocent young pop star, diving head first into the deep end of crazy, then emerging from the depths, just as crazy, but losing enough weight to be allowed back on TV. Simply inspiring.
Most of you probably missed it but she won a fourth award for being the Most Polished Turd of the evening. She thanked Jesus and all of her loyal fan (not an error). I bet Britney sold her soul to Heidi and Spence for those moon men.
The VMAs were not all bad. Pink's performance had a couple nice explosions. She thew a wrench through a storefront window, resulting in a glorious, fiery blast. I was never a big fan of Pink, but since discovering one of her abilities is altering the physical nature of solid metal objects, transforming them into incendiary grenades, I have become quite smitten. If that were the case, she should have won an award for Best Explosion in a Horrible Show, and then throw the award at Russell Brand. The only thing left would be a pair of, Timberland boot-sized, fluffy eyebrows, floating majestically to the ground.
In conclusion, I'm officially announcing to Lauren Conrad from The Hills, that I'm available. Her show is horrible but we can work through it.
Britney looks to be very pleased about her new, healthier lifestyle and says that she has never felt healthier in her life. She also considers that her 1,200 calories intake per day is enough “if you eat the right things.” I read about this at http://www.projectweightloss.com/inde....
Posted by alexbaran
Report Offensive Content
You must be logged in to post a comment.