Odd Angles
By Jean Sorensen
Lake reflections: A few months ago, we spent a week at the lake. When the rest of my family went water skiing, I stayed back. Hydroplaning isn't on my bucket list; sitting firmly on the deck overlooking a lake is. Anyway, I had time to think about life. Here are some of the things I contemplated.A. No matter how old a woman looks (and how charitable a cashier is), she will brag when she's carded. This often prompts clods like me to reply, "You are kidding!"
B. Here's a sure way to embarrass your teens: continue to quote Napoleon Dynamite and Borat. For icing, use words like uber, jive, sweet, whack and the bomb. And for your own entertainment -- put "ster" to the end of names, "the" to the beginning. "Hey, it's the Tom-ster! Is this your new friend, the Luke-ster?"
C. Why do men become drummers when their hands are wrapped around a steering wheel?
D. We always assume small, crummy-looking restaurants are real finds. They never are.
E. Why do people keep planting Bradford pears? I saw one keel over when a cloud breezed overhead. Yet folks keep investing in them. Next time I talk to my broker, I'm telling him to buy Bradford pear stock. Note to self: Get a broker.
F. Store receipts are getting longer. I got one from CVS the other day that was 3 feet long and took five minutes to print. I'm bringing it to my next book club meeting. Another note to self: Join a book club.
G. When kids are little, they want to help but can't; when they're older, you want them to help, but they don't.
H. How come you never run into someone you know at the gas station?
I. What's the thinking behind bringing a cartload of groceries to self-checkout? Does it fulfill some cashier fantasy? People, apply for a job. It'll be quicker for the rest of us who only have a lousy bottle of wine and two Lean Cuisines.
J. I'm no theologian, but what sense does this phrase make: "He has more money than God?"
K. Why on Earth do people look at tissues after blowing their noses?
L. A child's perception of an event gets worse with time. That glorious hike in Shenandoah when he was 8? Here's his retelling at 16: "It was a death march, but of course my parents forced me to do it."
M. Does Lisa Baden ever get stuck in traffic? That I'd like to see.
N. There's only one way dollar stores stay in business: that crap costs them a quarter. So you're still paying a mark-up, like other stores, but you're getting something worth 25 cents. Congratulations.
O. It never fails: Areas around restroom sinks are always soaking wet.
P. There is a generation of children who do not know their mother's natural hair color. Teacher: "What's the color of your mommy's hair?" Child: "Morning Sunshine with ashy foil highlights and warm lowlights." Try finding that crayon.
Q. Everyone goes through food phases. I fondly remember my Wheat Thins phase. We were inseparable for about four months. I've since moved on to pretzel sticks.
R. Seemingly athletic women (in tennis or jogging attire) park the closest to storefronts. How about leaving those spaces for lazy slobs who'd rather be sitting on a deck overlooking a lake?